Are You Lonesome Tonight?

image imageMy inspiration for today’s blog came from two friends of mine, both of whom will recognise themselves but who I won’t name!

The first friend, is a very brave and strong lady, who by being courageous enough to speak her own truth about loss, has helped many other people, including me.

The second, is a lovely friend who took me out this week to a beautiful place, listened to me, laughed with me, encouraged and inspired me and who I know will write a wonderful book one day!
Thank you both and this blog is in your honour.

Firstly, before I say more, I do realise my blogs are very personal and they may not appeal to everyone.
But I’m not here to dress things up, or appeal to some lowest common denominator, or even to be ‘ liked’.
I’m here to speak my truth and more importantly, if my words help anyone at all on their own journey then that is my life mission!

It is incredibly difficult sometimes, to be spiritual beings in human form, and I do strongly believe it is this way round and not the opposite, as many might think.
We need to help each other whenever we can- and we always can!

There are already a lot of ‘Lifestyle’ pieces out there, and they are very valuable too, but for me, if there is one thing writing had better be, it is personal, otherwise, I see little point.
‘Words are but pictures of our thoughts’ as Dryden pointed out. Indeed.

So today, I want to write about a tricky subject, and that is loneliness.

There is shame attached, somehow, in any of us admitting to this emotional state.

A very special and wise man I know- and again, he will know who he is- once said to me that humans all too often use the words ‘ I’m fine’ as a defence mechanism, when really they are not fine at all and would benefit much more from reaching out for help.

This is something friend number one touched on last week in her brave Facebook post.
She reminded us that the three hardest things to say are: ‘ I love you’, ‘ I’m sorry ‘ and ‘ I need some help’.

I was reflecting on this on Wednesday when I was in central London.

Everywhere I looked, people were staring fixedly at their own little personal screens of loneliness. And, may I say, often walking straight into me in the process!

They were not noticing the beauty of the October day, the majesty of our great capital city with its amazing architecture, nor the eyes of the homeless man who sat in human misery right in front of them as they almost walked all over him.

Now, I know, I am guilty of having my phone with me at all times, and I start to get short of breath if I have no battery life left and there is no charger in sight.
I’m famous amongst my friends for searching out phone charging opportunities via friendly waiters and bar staff all over town!
One of my friends refers to my phone as the ‘ crown jewels’ because of the way I bodyguard my ancient CrackBerry.

Well,yes.
Guilty as charged.
I said I’m very far from perfect at the start!
All the people I love the best ‘ live ‘ in my phone- or at least, that’s how it often feels!
And as a natural communicator, I do like to feel I can always be contacted.

But it has gone too far.

I like Facebook. Yes, sometimes I love it.
I admit that it gives me great pleasure to be able to communicate instantly with my best friend Lesley in LA, my dear friend Debbie in Madrid, my children if they are travelling and are over the other side of the world.
I get to see that they’re alright, see their photos.

And it is fun and a little bit of light relief, to see the funny moments on there too, as well as some of the more serious and important posts.
I’ve learned a lot from the wisdom of others this way.

But we do know it isn’t real don’t we?

Often, it can seem from people’s posts as if they are having a brilliant life!
Facebook envy is a very real phenomenon, or feeling that we are the only person not invited to the party!

But often, as my brave friend said, it is those who are hurting the most who post positive things, just trying to keep a smile on their own face and attempting to see the light through the current darkness.

We need to look beyond the pictures to the real heart of the person to see the truth.
This is called being a true friend.

It is so easy now, to hide behind words: emails, texts, Whatsapps, Facebook posts.
We forget that as humans, we are created to interact physically and emotionally, face to face.

‘ No time’, people say. ‘ Too busy’.
But busy doing what exactly?

Emailing and replying to interminable threads and cc ‘ all’.
And scurrying through the day, meetings and more emails and calling it a life?

Yes, there are bills to pay and jobs to hold down. Families to care for, mouths to feed.
But we managed to do all of these things for a very long time without constant phone gazing, and I would argue, made a better and simpler job of actually getting on with the business of living!

We’ve made it so complicated, living through our machines, particularly where relationships are concerned.
Creating a generation of young people who don’t know how to interact with each other properly, or even how to behave during courtship without the aid of a device.

And at the risk of sounding controversial ( I don’t care ! ) I believe men have struggled with all of this even more than women, being the creatures of action rather than words that they naturally are.

So, back to my point. Loneliness.
Is it any wonder that more people than ever before are reporting themselves as feeling ‘ extremely lonely’?

This type of ‘ removed’ communication increases it.
Travelling about all over the place, texting and Tweeting, never looking up.
We seem more connected than ever before, yet we’ve never felt further apart.

As I said to my friend; ‘ London is full of everyone. Yet we talk to no one’.

Yes, strong words, but I believe them to be true.
I hope I’ve caught myself with this just in time.

I’ve always talked to people I happen to meet on my daily path anyway.
Irish blood, we like to talk.

After all, we are all the same, we’re all connected here.
None of us any better or worse than any other, status and money are just facades, our ‘ masks’.

Shopkeepers, bar staff ( again! ) cabbies, doormen, refuse collectors and fellow commuters alike- I talk to people, and I even smile!

And now, I turn my phone to silent ( haven’t managed completely off yet! ) when I’m with someone and I don’t answer unless I’m anticipating some sort of emergency call, or I already know there is an urgent situation that may need my attention.

Everything else really can wait, and constant phone gazing over a personal or intimate meeting or dinner is so very rude!
It is like saying to the person you’re with : ‘ I don’t find you interesting enough to devote my time and attention to you’.

Last week, I was having tea with my son in Brighton.
I don’t see him as often as both of us would like and I was enjoying his delightful company.
Importantly, as I love him very much, I was enjoying also looking at his face and expressions as we spoke.

My phone rang, I had forgotten to switch it to silent in my bag.
‘ Do get that if you want to mum’, he said. ‘ I know it may be work’.

It was 5 pm on a beautiful sunny Friday afternoon, I was with a beloved son who I hadn’t seen for a month.
There was no way I was going to answer it.

‘ No, that’s ok,’ I said. ‘ I’m enjoying your company and that’s much more important.Whatever it is, can wait’.

Soon enough, he went in to get the bill and I was easily able to check my missed call.
Simples!!

By living in reality like this, and truly being with someone in that moment, you are giving them the greatest gift any human can give another and your most valuable resource : your time and your undivided attention.

This is the gift my friend and I gave to each other last week, and it is beyond price.

Both of us messaged each other the next day, yes.
But it was just to say what a wonderful and inspiring evening we had both enjoyed together.
This sort of message just cements what is already there.

I believe if we all spoke to each other more, smiled a little more, took time a little more often, that there would be much less loneliness in the world.
And then when someone asks how we are and we say ‘ fine’, we may actually mean it.

Please do something valuable with that phone you are currently holding in front of you like a shield, and use it to call someone.
Give them the pleasure of hearing your voice, arrange to see them.

And then give them your real, undivided self.

Tonight, I am going out to dinner to a lovely little Italian restaurant with two dear friends.
My phone will be on silent and in my bag…

I will call you back!

Amanda

100 Happy Days

Happiness…
A tricky concept to write about, especially in a blog?
Nevertheless, today, I’m going to try!

A while ago ( just over a hundred days ago ) a friend of mine inspired me to join the100 Happy Day challenge.

Nancy is an impressively bouncy and upbeat individual, and I was going through a somewhat challenging time whilst doing my best to stay positive, so I thought: ‘ Ok, let’s see. Can’t do any harm at all and may even do some good’.

Without wishing to sound too angelic ( you know I’m not, or will do as we go along ) I have always made a little nightly point of writing down the 3 things that have made me happiest that day.
Coming from a Buddhist perspective, I do believe that in order to make anyone else in your life happy, you have first to start with yourself.

And I had been pleased- though not surprised- that most of the little things I noted down each night were either free, or cost very little at all.

Things like…seeing a dear friend’s welcoming smile, a hug from one of my children or even getting into a warm and cosy bed at the end of a long day. We do take that for granted, when so many do not have that luxury.

I had already found that focusing on these happy moments had increased my sense of gratitude and pleasure in my own life, so the 100 Day thing was just a continuation of this at the start.

Then an interesting thing happened.

As I began to really be mindful of the events and people in my day, I actively started to look for the upcoming little ‘ happinesses’.

Now I’m a psychologist, so I’ve long had a strong belief in the power of positive thought, as there is so much scientific proof for the good it does, both for the human psyche and for the body.
And of late, my own research has increasingly been in the field of Mindfulness and Positive Psychology.

But this was slightly different.

As I awoke each morning, one of my first thoughts was to wonder which one thing would outweigh all the others as my top happy moment for that day.
What a great way to start!

Being already extremely fortunate in my life, and lucky that I am the sort of person who enjoys a variety of hobbies and passions, I always had so many lovely things to choose from.

Would it be my dance class or a walk with a friend? Maybe my daily Yoga practice, or the view from my window over the changing river?

Or my work, which brings me so much satisfaction and pleasure these days that it is hardly work at all?

Perhaps something big was coming up that day, such as my eldest son’s return home from America, or there would suddenly be a tiny, unexpected moment of perfect joy in the special smile exchanged between two people who truly love and understand each other.

The point is, there were so many!
And I hadn’t realised how many, until I truly focused on them.

I live in a beautiful place, on an island on the Thames and so this was even easier for me, but one of my favourite happy moments, and one I will always treasure, took place in a hot and crowded room in London, during a work event ( that was the smile 😊 )

These little snapshots of joy in my life began to be something I could not do without.
And even as something made me happy and I thought : ‘Oh, this is today’s’, there was always the delicious possibility of something even happier topping it later! Some days I had so many, I was spoilt for choice!

And the happiness cascaded, as happiness always does.

I began to notice that rather a lot of my friends, who had reported to me that they were avidly looking forward to my Happy Posts each day on Facebook ( my chosen platform, there were other options, but this felt ‘lighter’ somehow ) had begun to post much more positive things on their own pages.
One friend told me that she had always viewed herself as a ‘ glass half empty’ kind of person, but reading about my Happy Days caused her to re-think.

As they read my words, they told me they started to reflect on their own special microcosms of joy.

One friend, who lives in the Middle East ( thank you Reine ) where life is much harder at the moment than here in London, told me that it had affected her quite profoundly.

In a country where there is often so much conflict, she had been feeling- unsurprisingly- a tad more negative than her personality would normally allow. She even told me : ‘Amanda, it is so much easier to be happy when you live in London.’

And then she began to look for her own Happy Day.

It came on a trip to her gym, where she happened to glance out of the window and see a small and beautiful bird, busy upon the branch of a tree.
She saw that the bird was taking no notice of conflict, time or place. It was just being a bird. As nature intended.

She emailed me to say that she thought of what I’d been saying, about actively looking for the good things and living in the moment, and she told me that she had seen there was a lot of beauty in the world, even in a place where peace can be hard to find.

I think the main lesson I’ve learned has been just that: how many moments I really have in my life that give me happiness, and this was a platform through which to express gratitude.
And the wonderful thing about gratitude is, the more you express it, the more things come your way to be grateful about!

It’s a win/ win formula.

Now I’ve completed the challenge ( and I was one of the apparently small percentage who do, most expressing ‘lack of time’ as their reason for dropping out…although it took me less than 5 minutes to post each night…) I miss it.

My friends say they miss it too.

Joyce told me at a party last week that it was the first thing she looked at each morning, my Happy Moment from the evening before, together with the photos I chose to go alongside it.
‘ I miss your Happy Moments’, she said. ‘ I loved seeing all the little things that were making you smile. ‘

But I shall carry on the rhythm, going through my day, noting all the moments where I feel content, happy or at peace, so that I can enjoy the feeling again later and share with those who have contributed to it.

And again, looking back, although there are several repeating themes- dance, tennis, yoga, a swim, the beauty of nature, a special smile, London, family and friends- most of them cost nothing, or very little.

The sight of wild geese flying low over the misty river, or the face of a beloved person can be anyone’s Happy Moment…if only they will take the time to notice it.

The effervescent Nancy, who started all this for me, is on her third lot of 100’s, and I’m contemplating doing my second 100 too.
Happiness seems to be addictive!

And with the autumn upon us, and winter coming on, it is a fabulous way to beat any blues…and far cheaper than any therapy!

I hope you notice your Happy Moment when you feel it…

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Just Keep Swimming !

It won’t have escaped your notice that the pic accompanying this blog is of me in water.
Taken by a friend, in a swimming pool, on a happy day in Italy, it is one of the few photos of myself that I like.
I think it’s because I look genuinely happy !
That is the effect being in water ( and in Italy ) has on me.

I learnt to swim when I was 4.
My beloved Irish grandfather had bought me a new red and yellow rubber ring, and together, in the sea in Worthing, we launched it.
As I tentatively took my feet off the bottom of the sea bed and let them dangle in the watery space, my love of swimming was born!

And I’ve loved being in water ever since.
A warm and salty ocean, a pool, or even, at times, a river.
If there is some water nearby and I have the chance, I will always take the opportunity and the plunge.

I don’t mind if the water’ s cold.
Years of bracing English seaside holidays with my family. My father standing no nonsense, as my brothers and I stood shivering in home- made towelling robes, our noses running, being told off for getting our feet sandy again after they had been washed off with a salty bucketful.

My idea of heaven is a wild Cornish sea, and as long as I have a wet-suit top covering my shoulders, I can happily body-board and catch waves all day.
The promise of a Cornish pasty, chips and a steaming mug of tea from the little corner cafe keeps me going too.

But if the sea is an Italian one, and the waves gentler, then to frolic and bob about under a Calabrian sun, and to exit the ocean knowing that I can bask in some serious rays as I dry off, is a delicious prospect!

In my first blog, I wrote about space, and I think it is the same sort of feeling that I get when I swim that makes it so pleasurable for me.

In the pool, at the end of the day, I can find myself in a meditative state.
Worries melt away as I enter the water.
And most of my fellow swimmers, wherever I am, are just so nice!
Nodding peacefully to each other as we don our goggles and pick our lane.
Respecting the quiet, knowing it is the time most of us just like to be with ourselves.

I love the way that my arms and legs and head cut through the water.
I’m not the fastest or most expert of swimmers, but my stroke settles into a rhythm that’s comfortable for me, and my breathing slows to match- just as it does during yoga.
Reflection comes easily for me there, but it has a dream-like quality, very therapeutic.

And I love to just watch the water and the bottom of the blue pool go by, lining myself up with the darker navy of the lane marker.
Counting the lengths and finding a calming rhythm also in that.

And when I’m done, after my 20 or so lengths ( and I do like a satisfying number, so if not 20, then it’s 30 ) I climb out feeling clean and satisfied, and as though I’ve washed away all the grime of the day ( yes, I do shower first, for those at my club! )

Knowing too, that all I need is myself and a costume and I’m all set.
No special equipment, just my body and the desire to swim.

Thats my happy thought today.
Clean body, clean hair and a refreshed mind. And then the satisfaction of knowing that sleep is so much better when I’ve swum.
And getting into clean sheets after a swim has just got to be one of the best things ever!

So, if in doubt, and no matter what life throws at you today, be guided by Nemo…and…

Just Keep Swimming !

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First blog – SPACE!

Having posted various bits and pieces on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn over the years, I’ve finally decided to have a go at putting my thoughts down on my own blog.. If you’re reading this, then thank you and welcome!

Amanda Hills here, I’ll just switch this on, in the words of Mr Fitzherbert ( known by another name, for fellow fans of Bridget Jones ).

People who know me well, will also know that I wear several hats.
I’m a Psychologist and Freelance Writer, but I teach yoga in my spare time, am a Guest Lecturer at King’s College, and very importantly, am a mother to three very fine creations- best three days work I ever did!

So I have many passions, and I’m very blessed to lead an incredibly full and rewarding life, for which I’m extremely thankful every day… ( more of that in another Blog about my 100 Happy Days )

Now I don’t want this to sound ‘goody two shoes’, because again, anyone who knows me well will attest to the fact that I’m no angel and I have a very strong mischievous streak, together with a highly developed sense of the ridiculous and a weakness for the double entendre…. Years of holidaying with a particular family has honed this last one!

Chief amongst my passions are, in no particular order : my family and close friends, London, tennis, music, films, dance, cocktails, books, yoga and meditation, water- being on it, beside it and in it- Ireland…I could go on..

And all coming from a deeply held spiritual belief that we are here to enhance and encourage our fellow human beings’ journeys, spread a little light and sunshine and most of all, approach everything we do from a place of love , non-judgement and compassion…. Whilst also having fun and enjoying ourselves!
Laughing is one of the best feelings in the world and in the words of another heroine of mine, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, I dearly love to laugh.

So, welcome to my world, or, my corner of it at least.

And today, I want to briefly share my great good fortune at going to an amazing place to practise yoga this morning.

Called ‘Yoga Sp8ce’, it has been lovingly built in the woodland area of the home of Stephanie and Riccardo near Ockham in Surrey.

As you drive through the gates, there is so much space, and air and light, that you can’t believe you are still so close to London.

We were led in a beautiful yoga class by Clare Gibson, with a view over the lake, the tiny bridge over it and a tranquil Island in the centre… Like a little reminder of heaven while you sit in Lotus position!

Clare set a beautiful intention, reflecting the studio’s name, asking us to ponder on yoga’s amazing ability to create space.. Both inside our bodies and minds, and in our hearts.

And it is the little space, or pause between our inhale and our exhale, and then the reverse, which we begin to learn to focus on when bringing our minds to stillness at the start of meditation.

Space… it seems a rare commodity these days. In London, in our diaries and most of all, in our lives, but as Clare taught us today, just a few minutes spent quietly, in reflection and peace, can begin to give you the space you need within yourself. And that’s a very good place to start!

And with practise, you can carry that feeling off the yoga mat with you and take it with you everywhere you go- crowded tubes and London streets included. In fact, especially there!
I know. Because I do it every day. And it is a fantastic tool to have.

So that is my thought for the day and I want to practise it throughout this week… Just breathe and give yourself some SPACE. Be still inside yourself and you can feel the calm, even with a hundred other people around you.
Thank you for the space for reading this too…

Namaste!
Amanda